This has to be vague. It isn't my sadness to share. Yesterday I heard some sad news. I saw somebody I love feel pain. She heard somebody she loves feel pain. In turn, it hurts my heart that this beautiful world- this precious life, can be so cruel. It gets things so wrong. It assumes it knows best- It can't always know best. It pushes people to face the hardest times. It picks the most undeserving people to challenge. I simply don't understand why. I'm clueless.
I am twenty seven years old. I haven't been tainted by the world yet. I haven't hardened to it. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe that when one door closes another one opens, I believe that it is better to be kind than to be right, I believe in second chances and sometimes more, I believe in change, I believe in nature, I believe in good, I believe in choices, I believe in happiness- it's hard to feel like that today.
Sometimes when Matt leaves for work, I shout from the top of the stairs "Byeeeee, see you tonight!" and I take for granted that I will. As much as I forgive, I seem to remember anything that has ever upset me- I assume I have time to forget it all, Often I will put off today what I can do tomorrow- What if that never comes, I will use the excuse 'life gets in the way' too often- I think that I have realised that the only thing getting in the way is me. I constantly doubt myself- why, what is the worst that could happen? I never think I am good enough- Psssht, I will only get one shot at this life, why do I waste time paying my insecurities any attention at all, nothing good can come of it. I hold myself back and for what?? It could all be gone tomorrow. I could be gone tomorrow.
I know that I am probably awful for questioning the way of the world, so far it has been so kind to me.
I wish I had something profound to say about such sad times. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could make things better. I wish I could stop the hurt. I wish I could........... I don't even know?!!! I wish maybe I could stop the world being so unjust and so unfair I guess.
As I said, Diary, this isn't my direct sadness but I can feel the sadness in the air. The loss. The memories floating around in the atmosphere, trying to find where they fit in now and where they are meant to be for the best.
Where are the answers to it all? Why don't we get to know them?
x Maria x